Hushed Up!

>> Sunday, July 25, 2010

Past few months were aberrantly torrid at many levels, relationships, health and my writings- an inseparable part of me which suffered the most. ..
Most blunders are my own doing.. I make wrong decisions, trust perverts and by the end of it all I blame my own self for no real fault of mine..

Last month when I thought I had reached the cul-de-sac.. a dead-end wherein remained nothing to live for, the doctor had said I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and shan’t continue in the same vein. In the nights that followed I tried squeezing away loneliness on the floor and again on bed or standing by the window in the darkness crying bitterly for hours with the night sky spreading away to the south and east.

Then the safest place in cosmos seemed beside my dad. I used to hug him and sleep. In one of those nights my dad woke up around 2 am all in sweat.. breathing heavily. The horror I felt then can not be described. .. all I could do was scream .. and then he hugged me tight and whispered - nothing could happen to him coz he can not leave me alone in this world..
I knew it was ‘coz of me. ..

In the morning I braced myself, I had no right to make my aging parents suffer beyond this.. I have no one beside them, they have no one beside me, how could I take such step ..

I told myself thousand times; I’m lucky, I’m blessed, I’ve the most amazing parents in the world who love and support me despite all my follies.. but what have I done for them?
If I could give them one moment of pride.. only one moment of happiness.. for having and raising a daughter like me, a constant source of trouble, a gullible fool, an eternal loser.. and yet they never utter single complain ..

Yes, whatever has happened to me is worse than what can happen to most individuals. No dignified person could treat a fellow human in the manner I was trampled over. The details of agony shall never be conveyed to another living soul. It shall die with me. I know that in this world of mortals there is no justice but if there is a realm beyond death .. I shall have my justice..

I am happy. I can hold my head high and forgive all those who can never look into my eyes again .. God bless them .. even they know that life and death eventually gets us all .. I can forgive I can never forget..
The kind of experiences I’ve had, if my sanity is intact its ‘coz a grander or bleaker destiny awaits me and I am prepared for both.


I am digressing, I am posting this on ‘parent’s day’ coz if you are someone like me, if you too are disillusioned with life, if you also have nowhere to go, if you shrink from life and mistrust it then look at your parents - their love is an assured phenomenon which shall solve all questions. In their embrace is the logical Mecca of your long pilgrimage, the end of all this hunger for love and understanding and the pleasure that comes from simply living and existing in harmony.

Coming back to Terminal Moraine..
I am not exactly quitting. I can post something tomorrow or I can post something after a year. I do not know. All I know is; that I shall certainly post again. However, presently I feel I shall be away for an indefinite period.
There is too much happening in my personal life which leaves little time for poetry. Also, I’ll be traveling for some time and then I wish to concentrate on my book.. it’s the only dream which keeps me going ..

If you aren’t in my friend’s list on facebook and wish to stay in touch please search me as ‘Aria Sharma’. I am using this name as it would be easier to search or just leave your contact as comment I will make sure I do not publish anything that shall remain private or if you are on twitter you can find me on..

http://twitter.com/adagio_aria

I have nothing much to write so twitter seems an apt platform. Perhaps I am too happy these days and I’ll start blogging again when I have a new pain as my muse.. :D

In short, I’ll read the blogs I love in bunch whenever I get time coz I can not stay away permanently from the lovely writings of exceptional bloggers, a great source of inspiration and learning..

Please do not forget me. We shall meet here again ..thanks.
Love and Regards to all …

27 comments:

nidhi July 25, 2010 at 8:06 AM  

Hugs Hugs Hugs

I can understand each of it.. Don't think at all that you haven't given your parents a moment of pride - you are their joy, pride and reason to smile and live on. I wish I could put a balm on the wounds or rather I could touch you with a magic wand that you could forget each pain and suffering.

I wish you love, warmth and respect in life.. keep writing and post when you feel like.. u are always in our hearts and minds..*just as in this moment I can feel myself holding your hand and taking a long walk listening to you*

cheers cheers cheers
Nidhi

nidhi July 25, 2010 at 8:08 AM  
This comment has been removed by the author.
Musings of a wanderer July 25, 2010 at 10:17 AM  

Hope you are OK now. I am sure you would get over this and publish the book. I can't wait to see that book in print.
I searched for "Aria Sharma" on Facebook but get about 4 Arias. May be it's easier to add me http://www.facebook.com/trinath.gaduparthi

Take care.

AshenGlow July 25, 2010 at 11:44 PM  

May God bless. Last one year has been traumatic for me as well. I can totally understand where you are coming from aria. I totally wish everything falls into place for you as soon as possible. You have faith, you have everything. All the best for your break. Love ya. Will wait for you here.

Hugs,
Ashen

V Rakesh July 26, 2010 at 9:43 AM  

Aria, I continue to pray for your well being with renewed hope that all is gonna be well sooner than you know! Do always remember and believe that some of the worst things in life are intended to make you better not bitter! View these instances as opportunities to make you stronger than ever before! And who best than you to understand that we virgos are fighters and will be so for all time to come!

God bless you my dear friend. I will always remember you in my prayers!

Gyanban © July 27, 2010 at 2:45 AM  

Arise go forth and conquer...

aria July 27, 2010 at 7:27 AM  

Nidhi.. Hugs ♥♥♥
you are the best! Thanks, always.

Wanderer.. Glad to know I have at least one 'reader' :) thanks a lot.

Ashen.. all your words are valued. Thank you, for being here. Hugs :D

Gyanban.. Thank you :)

Anonymous July 30, 2010 at 3:34 PM  

I must admit, I am a bit of a ‘lurker’ and do not usually comment on your posts (even though I admire the way you write very much...You are very talented in writing and poetry; truly gifted).
This post was so heart wrenching that I just had to comment; I was so sorry to hear that the past few months have been so difficult for you, please do not lose faith or hope...Everything in life is ‘transition’ and this too will pass soon. You will be a better and stronger person for this dear Aria.
As for your parents, I am sure that they are very proud of you despite everything you feel at the moment (please do not let things get to you psychologically...I have been there, and it is soul destroying; please try and keep yourself happy...and moreover occupied in order to get over the current problems you face).
Please take care of yourself Aria and be well...God bless you, your parents and Don. I will think of you all and say a prayer for your wellbeing, peace of mind and happiness.
On another note, I would love to follow you on twitter and to keep in touch that way if you did not mind.

Kind regards,
Bagpuss.

Scarlett July 30, 2010 at 10:47 PM  

Dear Aria,
Do take a break. And come back rested and ready to take on the world. As for parents - you know it is very hard to accept that we can cause them hurt but sometimes the biggest gift we can give them is being their child - and the hurt comes with the territory. Families grow and bond and become stronger this way....

You take care. And if you ever need to talk, you know where to reach me.

Hugs,
Scarlett

aria July 31, 2010 at 2:45 AM  

Bagpuss,
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for breaking this silence. Hope you are doing better too. I have virtually no friends in real world, never knew certain nameless/faceless ones would be concerned for a blogger! However blurting certain stuff is cathartic & for me blogging has been that kind of tool, in the process my belief in humanity seems to be restored.
Thanks again and again.. I wish I knew you better.. plz do follow me on twitter/facebook wherever you feel comfy and if you believe in God (coz I don’t) kindly pray for Don’s soul ..

aria July 31, 2010 at 2:46 AM  

Dear Scarlett,
Thanks a heap for being there.. Hugs. I am too overwhelmed to add anything further ..

goatman August 10, 2010 at 2:20 PM  

Poetry will always be a part of your life. As you experience, you will find a way to express in your own technique.
In the mean-time, love life and be happy in the small places.
The best to you my friend.

Ardra August 13, 2010 at 2:24 AM  

Take care Aria...
love
ardra

aria August 14, 2010 at 6:52 AM  

Goatman.. trying to do the same :) thanks a lot, trust you are doing well.. haven't read you for so long.. please take care.

Ardra.. thats such a pleasant surprise. Great to see you here. Your words mean much, thanks a lot.. you too take care.

noni August 20, 2010 at 5:44 AM  

yeah.. sometime we may require some personal space, but keep writing......nice you plan for traveling and lets us know about your print book on time...

everything will be ok....all the wishes...always..

Quackster August 24, 2010 at 10:53 AM  

You always delve into the inner mind and soul which speaks in many tongues in a stream of consciousness. It is this beauty that makes reading your posts absolutely great. Whatever you do, hold your head up high and I wish you luck and success on your journey. I will visit from time to time.

The Sage September 6, 2010 at 11:22 PM  

till the time you have done everything you have, in good faith, it is all well.. your parents are the people who will be proud rather than disappointed even if you take a million falls, if you keep the values they instill in you aloft...

and one more thing, i like your writing... do keep it up and take a (deserved) break if you must... but do come back and keep writing..

regards

aria September 6, 2010 at 11:36 PM  

Noni.. certainly you shall know about the book :) thank you!

--

Quackster.. yes do keep checking.. I’ll be eventually back and then I too miss reading your poetry. Thanks a lot for your appreciation.

--

The Sage.. welcome to Terminal Moraine .. thanks for your encouragement .. means a lot. :D

Anonymous September 15, 2010 at 2:31 PM  

Dearest Aria,

Happy Birthday and many happy returns of the day, I wish you joy, happiness and laughter. I hope and pray that this coming year sees all your dreams come true.
I wish you well and hope that you have a wonderful day today!
Lots of love, hugs and kisses your way,

A.Friend.
.
.
.
[P.S.]
I hope all is well at your end, and that your family and Don are well and in the best of health!

Anonymous September 15, 2010 at 2:50 PM  

On your birthday, special one,
I wish that all your dreams come true.
May your day be filled with joy,
Wonderful gifts and goodies, too.

On your day I wish for you
Favorite people to embrace,
Loving smiles and caring looks
That earthly gifts cannot replace.

I wish you fine and simple pleasures.
I wish you many years of laughter.
I wish you all of life’s best treasures.
I wish you happily ever after!

Happy Birthday my dearest sweetest Aria!

Anonymous September 15, 2010 at 3:00 PM  

On Your Special Day
.
.
.
Smile inside,
Glow outside,
Happiness won’t hide,
Cause God will be your guide.

So forget the past,
Cause the pain won’t last,
Another year is cast,
Enjoy it as you must.

Joy is what I wish for you,
Success in everything you do,
Hope all your dreams come true,
And luck may not leave you.

Be happy on this day,
And may you find love someday,
But on this very special day,
Happy Birthday! Is all wanna say
.
.
*** HAPPY BIRTHDAY ***

Anonymous September 15, 2010 at 3:09 PM  

My dearest Aria,

One last time...Happy Birthday to you sweetheart!

I guess I just came to say my goodbye for the last time, and to wish you all the best for the future.

I guess we never really got a chance to know each other (other than little bits of exchange here and there across the years or so...Alas). Anyway, a little piece of my heart will always be thinking of you...As you have made a place in there.

Please be well and look after yourself (have a wonderful day and enjoy your birthday).
.
.
My kindest regards and all my love,
forever your friend,

A.Friend

goatman September 26, 2010 at 9:48 AM  

Perhaps some ancient wisdom:

"Just be quiet and sit down./The reason is you are drunk,/and this is the edge of the roof."

Rumi

I can't believe that this guy doesn't just live next door, rather than centuries ago.

asuph October 13, 2010 at 9:47 PM  

Damn. I missed this. Now, with you back to writing, and at least on the surface better, it seems anachronistic to comment. And yet, I feel really sad after reading this. Not sure I could have helped, or anyone, but you know you can call on friends in times like this. You know where to call.

Do take care, always.

regards,
asuph.

aria October 13, 2010 at 11:17 PM  

Anonymous .. all these days I'd been thinking of scribbling a thank-you note but couldn't find the right words.. I still don;t have em.. I don't even know who you are and if you'd be back to check for reply.. just want you to know am touched and I wish you'd given me and yourself a chance and had tried coming out of this shell..

thanks again and again for your wishes and I also wish you a great life ahead.. my nameless friend .. I can not do anything else.. I just have my words.. am blessed if I could touch you momentarily by em.. and you were kind enough to remember my birthday and my Don.. :)
my best wishes and love..
A

aria October 13, 2010 at 11:21 PM  

Gootman.. thanks for that ancient wisdom.. they are actually timeless wisdom and would make sense even centuries later. I also quite like Rumi! True.. when we relate with someone's writing there's always this feeling that the writer lives next-door :D

aria October 13, 2010 at 11:25 PM  

Asuph.. thanks to your comment I've replied to some pending ones.. :) and thanks also for your words.. I guess I should now stop considering myself friendless esp with people like you around.. though we haven't met and all that .. people on internet are kinder than my real life acquaintances..
take care..

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