>> Sunday, July 25, 2010
Past few months were aberrantly torrid at many levels, relationships, health and my writings- an inseparable part of me which suffered the most. ..
Most blunders are my own doing.. I make wrong decisions, trust perverts and by the end of it all I blame my own self for no real fault of mine..
Last month when I thought I had reached the cul-de-sac.. a dead-end wherein remained nothing to live for, the doctor had said I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and shan’t continue in the same vein. In the nights that followed I tried squeezing away loneliness on the floor and again on bed or standing by the window in the darkness crying bitterly for hours with the night sky spreading away to the south and east.
Then the safest place in cosmos seemed beside my dad. I used to hug him and sleep. In one of those nights my dad woke up around 2 am all in sweat.. breathing heavily. The horror I felt then can not be described. .. all I could do was scream .. and then he hugged me tight and whispered - nothing could happen to him coz he can not leave me alone in this world..
I knew it was ‘coz of me. ..
In the morning I braced myself, I had no right to make my aging parents suffer beyond this.. I have no one beside them, they have no one beside me, how could I take such step ..
I told myself thousand times; I’m lucky, I’m blessed, I’ve the most amazing parents in the world who love and support me despite all my follies.. but what have I done for them?
If I could give them one moment of pride.. only one moment of happiness.. for having and raising a daughter like me, a constant source of trouble, a gullible fool, an eternal loser.. and yet they never utter single complain ..
Yes, whatever has happened to me is worse than what can happen to most individuals. No dignified person could treat a fellow human in the manner I was trampled over. The details of agony shall never be conveyed to another living soul. It shall die with me. I know that in this world of mortals there is no justice but if there is a realm beyond death .. I shall have my justice..
I am happy. I can hold my head high and forgive all those who can never look into my eyes again .. God bless them .. even they know that life and death eventually gets us all .. I can forgive I can never forget..
The kind of experiences I’ve had, if my sanity is intact its ‘coz a grander or bleaker destiny awaits me and I am prepared for both.
I am digressing, I am posting this on ‘parent’s day’ coz if you are someone like me, if you too are disillusioned with life, if you also have nowhere to go, if you shrink from life and mistrust it then look at your parents - their love is an assured phenomenon which shall solve all questions. In their embrace is the logical Mecca of your long pilgrimage, the end of all this hunger for love and understanding and the pleasure that comes from simply living and existing in harmony.
Coming back to Terminal Moraine..
I am not exactly quitting. I can post something tomorrow or I can post something after a year. I do not know. All I know is; that I shall certainly post again. However, presently I feel I shall be away for an indefinite period.
There is too much happening in my personal life which leaves little time for poetry. Also, I’ll be traveling for some time and then I wish to concentrate on my book.. it’s the only dream which keeps me going ..
If you aren’t in my friend’s list on facebook and wish to stay in touch please search me as ‘Aria Sharma’. I am using this name as it would be easier to search or just leave your contact as comment I will make sure I do not publish anything that shall remain private or if you are on twitter you can find me on..
I have nothing much to write so twitter seems an apt platform. Perhaps I am too happy these days and I’ll start blogging again when I have a new pain as my muse.. :D
In short, I’ll read the blogs I love in bunch whenever I get time coz I can not stay away permanently from the lovely writings of exceptional bloggers, a great source of inspiration and learning..
Please do not forget me. We shall meet here again ..thanks.
Love and Regards to all …