>> Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Life, that meager cache; I can get back to it,
unsympathetic, it appeals to some perverse streak
to seek out the very site that aroused bitterness,
an irony you can not fathom, no matter if I explained.
This intoxication is brief - a seduction, an illusion,
never lasting; then to be engulfed by oceanic rhythm of
denial and rebellion, volume upon esoteric volume,
the limitless kingdom of beats - not one of which
I wish to penetrate. I am a reckless poet,
I can be a woman of caprice, attachment to
a chimerical life is an explanation I was,
for all my mistrust of it, willing to accept.
I supposed it took me in fleetingly, like
optical illusions, where an image metamorphoses
into a different image, you cannot hold both images
in your mind simultaneously. So why run at all?
why run ever again? when you have no destination,
there is but a finish line. When you come to the end,
you’d find only yourself. The same unchanged.
The more you move on, the more you arrive at self.
I am not running any more, I am not hiding from life,
I believe I am waiting for it . …
What seemed an impregnable cache, immune to theft
was stolen, it was my rhythm, not your poetry,
my exegesis of symphonic life in that parallel music;
shall we speak of universals and eternals?
I lost my way during several attempts to find it.
The world is composed of sins, ruled by instincts
deeper than lethargy, virtue is vapor, more perplexing,
you are all around me in its bodily reminders,
the heaps of notes, cramped odors of obsession,
in the intimate intrusion of the massive bed,
where I’d lain with harmony in a hot drive
to dissent, to subvert, to fly like the bohemian
from what had passed for usual wisdom,
denying tedium, denying the given, the received,
the begotten, the whole solicitous silliness.
Behold! how these strings, wan and magical
flood the sinews of our melody, it was then
I’d caught, vibrating under your cajoling words,
an unsaid, electric burr that seemed to echo;
I had served my purpose: good-bye.
Tomorrow morning I am leaving with my parents for a small vacation on the hills. I’ll be back in 5-6 days. See you then.