putrefaction

>> Friday, June 6, 2008

This vertiginous mood, transcendent heat, a life reaching its climax and visions of decay heaped on decay. The placidity with which I’d waited on events fading away in the daylight. I lay mummified on bed for hours at a stretch. Parts of me are built to be awake and yearning to be both absolutely still and moving everywhere at once. The most ordinary sound outside seems oppressive as a bayonet rending my head. Even a beam of sunlight filtering through drawn curtains, intolerable.

I neither act nor withdraw, I simply wait. I do wait. There is the twist. As the tart taste of past prickles my mouth, I am beginning to recover just a little bit of optimism. Perhaps the experiment which never ended, is only beginning, it exceeds my understanding. My self-dramatizing mind had waited for more excruciation but something is different which forces me to recall those other startling and baffling metamorphoses I had witnessed. In another transition, I must have changed already in ways I dont yet know but I have with me my solitude. In the silence I can hear myself think. I’m making an effort to see and hear beyond the quicksilver talk of my mind. It is the surface, which leads to depth, lurching into blackness and vulgarity.

In this feeble yet euphoric state I’d envisioned only general scenes blended from million repetitions. The accusations, the stuttered insults, the invisible blows of abuse and torment that rose up to my tingling, jangling ear. The shrieking fight over the mildew somewhere, which was grey blue and deathly. Certain dreams, where people hadn’t named names, they had merely shown up with bruises, and informed that they were sorry, slouched and grimaced in such a way as to exude, I hoped, regret.

That is gone. What has taken over is daydreams, suddenly copious, reentering the life I had lost, not that long ago. And the the knowledge that it’s too late and so the distress, settled, bearable, sans pain. I remember me as a palate of conflicting colors, crimson in love with splotches of green, ultramarine in spirit or permanently mauve, with dark toppings and hazy strokes. I wasn’t seasoned; few more colors had to arrive, grays and purples. I was a mess. I know I am exacerbated, reduced to precisely what I’d been leery of at the outset. Now I am something faded but perfectly acceptable. I see no color outside, only glitter and I have long since reasoned, I would likely prefer authentic enthusiastic meanness.

I remain an amateur at life, smelling like a walking cigarette, flushed, perhaps alcohol induced, relying on my skills of misdirection, awaiting symptoms of infatuation, which sends me into paroxysm of exhilaration. Then I would throw my head in musical bliss, pounding fresh melodies. Presently everything around me is in its natural order; a life basking in artificially created atmosphere, undisturbed by the sunlight on panes, the same dusty lamp glowing on the table. I do write, it has no conclusion but just dribbles off in much the same way it begins. My imagination keeps on getting noisier and noisier as I get quieter and quieter.

22 comments:

Ashu June 6, 2008 at 4:30 AM  

Hey Aria, thnx for droppin bi...

Inconsequential June 6, 2008 at 7:59 AM  

Bouncy lil' number...Interesting slices of pies layered and blended and passed off as dessert, and tasting of the full roast...cranberries included.
Very interesting work, I wonder how accurately it portrays you...
and what will people read into it, which snippets and snatches will resonate on the readers pallet...Recognizing sections of self in others work always jolts me...

Certain dreams...
Indeed :)

Influential Deepu June 6, 2008 at 8:27 AM  

!! Oxymoronic Stuff !!

You are the undisputed queen !! :)
The last line was 'loudly feeble' ...
Keep going !!

Alok June 6, 2008 at 6:48 PM  

sun that seems to intrude miserably in our arid lives; where life is eked out of bare existence, tied to a chariot through reeks of fire ...

but then it is moving and the bruised body that is injured (wounded) beyond repair doesn't even look at his surroundings for compassion, calmness or understanding .. is there a balm ... is there a need .... perhaps not ...

But I do hope to see you on the other side of the several miles that lie ahead of this toil through fetid muskeg, poisonous jungle and tainted air, I do hope to see you there ....

there are so many lines in this piece Aria that can be read over and over again, collected and treasured for those non-arid days :) As inc said there are snippets of everyone's life in this piece ....

Definitely a good way to spend the Sat morning ... lets say cheers to tht (yes right in the morning)


Alok

aria June 7, 2008 at 12:58 AM  

Wow! such lovely comments, thank you kindly..
Inconsequential, Deepesh, Alok. :)
A pleasure reading your words and feels really great. I just wanted to post something as the blog has been almost dead like me. I'm glad you found it worth your time.
Thanks again and have a wonderful weekend. :)

flyingstars June 7, 2008 at 2:15 AM  

life is like this...a journey of dreams and sometimes disappointments...but at the end of the day, it is the dreams that help us move along in our trajectory of life...it gives us hope for a better tomorrow....Some incidents in life may cripple us but its the way we grow from the experience and manage to re-enegise our dreams that really determines our character and these dreams really shape our future joys as the joy of success is indescribable in words...it can only be felt....wonderfully written!

Nash June 7, 2008 at 10:44 PM  

I fell into a stupor while reading. :-) Could feel the heat and now I'm missing your stories. The long ones without word limits. It's been awfully long since you posted the last one. Don't you think so?

aria June 9, 2008 at 12:30 AM  

Thanks Kalyan, Nash for your thoughtful comments, appreciated :)

I think I'm getting really lazy to attempt a proper story but since my poetrics have virtually dried up I'll try giving it a shot :D

Casperbaba June 9, 2008 at 2:42 AM  

hey aria,
i thanked heavens to see some movement on your blog. I am happy ur back thou i anticipate that this hibernation can be for sometime more. but its ok...
frankly i am a little worried with the intensity and the direction of thought of this post. I believe that you have been in a thoughtfull state nd have been romancing with ur past in ur hhead a little too much. what cold be so bad that it has stayed with u so long. i mean i have my own baggages, every1 has. but ur seems to b more heavier. I have realised few things lately. The reson i share a connect with you is the fact that v touch each other at places where it hurts. yet v acknoledge the fact that its there. BUt what v r failing to do is to wipe off the dust... its not golddust afterall... is it? its easy to become habbitual to a specific thought format. its like our brain maps a daily route of thought nd instantly guide our thinking towards it even if v dun want to. v have to train our minds just like everythin to stop or block thinking about a thought. the reson i say that is because i seriously feel that happy times r about to begin for u. i feel it. can u feel that too?
take this as my "humble" request. for once try writing something "happy". let it b bout flowers, sky, dog, cat, lizard! i dun care... but show us all the happy end of urs...

till then cheers!

p.s- i don't need 2 comment on ur writings. uknow that!

aria June 9, 2008 at 4:41 AM  

:)
Perhaps I am vague as usual. I wasn't romancing my past, at least not in this post. And then these are only words, honestly. Don't take them literally. I dont think I really am happy or sad when I write anything. Its just the way I write, so an act, you can call it my writing style, if at all it qualifies as a 'style'. I stop posting coz I know its all repetitive.. thats how it is.. Frankly, I cant force myself to write anything.. I'll write about flowers and skies when I see them.. as of now I don't know whats next .. and when ..
thanks for your words, means much :)

Kunjubi June 9, 2008 at 6:35 AM  

Aria... Though I missed 2 of yr post, now only i cud lay hands on them now. Though late.".My imagination keeps on getting noisier and noisier as I get quieter and quieter." A wonderful expression of the true feelings, pounding inside!You warp and woof, weaving emotions, and creating melancholy in the heart of everyone.. Nice creation!.. How can I forget.. cheers... kunjubi

MAN IN PAINTING June 10, 2008 at 6:25 AM  

i liked the lights in your writing and the shads too.That made it very magical...
i liked the way it sounded too..
it will take a lot of time to read the whole blog..
will regularly visit..
me too blog..
some try on surrealism...

aria June 11, 2008 at 1:41 AM  

Kunjubi.. thanks much, nice to see you here, as usual :)

Man in painting.. welcome to my space. Thank you for your kind appreciation. I did check your blog .. and do hope to see you here again :)

d SINNER!!! June 11, 2008 at 3:31 AM  

intrstin

Nidhi June 11, 2008 at 6:00 AM  

As usual makes for compulsive reading and that too not once but again and again it draws me to it. this piece is as if you are exhaling :)

I also believe life seeks us when we open ourselves to it and surely I can see it in you..it will be worth the wait..I would love to see you in that state of crush and can only dream what you will write then :D

As for me it is long wait yet and it will only be in November that I will be able to pass on some news of arrival.. but yes i am in different world where two of us exist :)

much love to you Aria and I wish great happiness for you..wear a smile and keep it on forever
take care

aria June 11, 2008 at 7:01 AM  

D Sinner.. Welcome to my blog. :) I love that handle.. I have 'something' for sins and sinners..

aria June 11, 2008 at 7:13 AM  

Nidhi.. November is one of my favorite months.. the weather is awesome in Delhi during that time and its also the start of the wedding season .. what a wonderful time to welcome a new life.
I can imagine how it must.. reminds me of the time when I waited for my 'niece' .. :D

I have deleted that comment and the link is safe with me. I clicked on it but they are asking me to login. I don't have an account there so I'll have to create one. I'm going to do that.. right now.

thanks for your heart-warming words :D I read your comments over n over again .. you make me feel so special ..
Love to 'both' of you :)

goatman June 12, 2008 at 12:12 PM  

Your poetic words as describe your feelings are beautiful. They flow as does the time we each move through.
As I "try" to meditate I realize that I must not react to the thought but let it pass undisturbed. But you move beyond that.
I am happy that I found your blog, welcome to mine.

shooting star June 13, 2008 at 11:22 PM  
This comment has been removed by the author.
shooting star June 13, 2008 at 11:24 PM  

a thread of thoughts woven together and written wonderfully.....i can identify with some of the feelings....

aria June 14, 2008 at 12:19 AM  

Goatman.. welcome to my blog and thank you kindly for appreciation. I just visited your blog .. :)

Shooting Star.. thanks for dropping by and your comment .. nice to see you here :)

Dohatzz June 20, 2008 at 6:22 AM  

with dark toppings and hazy strokes " of naivete"

i love the 2nd para its disjointed and macabre to the extreme in its disillusionment of the outcome

very descriptive with no consequence

4th para limits you .... not expressive of your abilities at ALLLLL

Cannot trivialise exps with smoke/drink categs etc but yeah motorise them and trivialise them at will!

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