Seven kinds of nonsense..

>> Friday, February 8, 2008

Over the years, I’ve become an expert on my myriad failures of self-knowledge. I did not intend to write anything and I am not exactly ‘writing’ .. I read few blogs after a long time today and wanted to post ‘something’. The inability to write speaks eloquently about my basic design flaw. The fact remains that our most potent and necessary dreams can derive from simple misunderstanding. I was slow to comprehend that my dream of becoming a ‘writer’ actually was a mask for more urgent need - to escape failures .. the insistent everyday failures .. from there on the pen, or rather the keyboard lay dead under my cramped fingers. It is as if all the letters of the alphabet, all combinations of letters into words, all the infinite possibilities of written language has ceased to exist.

What’s wrong in reveling in failures? Most of us remain children all our lives, perpetually attracted to all wrong things, repeatedly falling for everything that is cheap and superficial. I’ve discovered the intense pleasures inherent in defeat and I practice failure which forever shall remain my sole grace. There is perverse pleasure in pain, in suffering and even in humiliation. The need to make a romance out of ugly reality is a basic human craving and also the accompanying need to disguise whatever form of truth is scattered about us.. "Truth" infact is a windowless place where the light can come only through cracks.

Something else I’m blind to, seems to be loneliness, which we desire yet despair and that forces us to endure terrible humiliations and indulge into meaningless relationships. You had no life to begin with and the world is small, dusty maze of clapboard and neon, crawling with strangers and to most of us it yields only loneliness, however we may have swaggered down its avenues. There wasn’t enough life to go around with, whatever delights it held would remain the secrets of those who had found them first but if you are young, shy and not entirely sure what you were looking for anyway, it is a deary place. You can hang around blogs, chatrooms, or meander outside a pub and settle for insipid pleasures of sex and booze or you can aimlessly prowl through the dark back streets of real or virtual world, where all you meet as a rule are other loners on an equally aimless prowl. You can ask each other ‘what you want?’ only to be told that they don’t know.. perhaps cruise around for a while.. and so you cruise around, likewise though you knew from the onset that so and so was a horrible mistake to begin with and will only pile on your life of searing regret. You endure this as you clearly know the alternative – a solitary exstence. Soon, the customary small talk of cordiality and endearment seems inadequate, unsuited to the strange well-being you had become accustomed to in discordance. It concludes one day, as expected, leaving you naked, both literally and metaphorically, vulnerable… right there, where your thin veneer of self-confidence was stripped away, revealing you stark.. panic-stricken .. more lonely than ever before. Usually you get drunk, get sick and be thankful that you’d be hitting back alone with the promise of a different ‘new day.’

Your emotional life becomes ingrown. The orderly rotation of many careful moods is your life, or rather what your life has become. You manage it well, and it is only rarely, looking very closely at your face, if anyone bothers that is, one can see how much the effort is costing you. You go through the daily chores mechanically, sit alone through the weekends and evenings with a drink, allowing your mind to slide into a heavy, gin-fuddled confusion. Only one persistent thought comes through, a piece of self-advice that is as clear and cold as the drink that rises again and again to your lips. Hold on. No matter, whats in store tonight or tomorrow, just hold on.

The shape of every following day is an articulate statement of impending defeat. You can blame it on luck. Aah .. life screwed you and its luck which made you a loser but its something you wanted to be without knowing it. Regardless of your inclination to believe in luck as the prime determiner of human destiny, both good and bad fortune are largely an illusion. Most of us are uniquely desinged to mistake good luck for bad and vice versa. So, you stand among the messy possibilities with the look of someone surveying new fields to conquer and an odd mix of rejuvenation and relief. You can never understand what’s happening to you, and also lack the ability to sort things out upon reflection afterwards ergo you make same mistakes all over again.


The worst terror still remains .. of ending up all alone in the world, and so you keep on trying to smile. Others smile back.. will their smile of rejection always drop you into despair and their smiles of welcome lead only into new, worse, more terrible ways of breaking your heart? Duh? Now its going to be fucking straight, no more big talks, no romantic claptrap and fictitious heroes. Peel away those layers of self-deception and discover that you can swap this dreamy world with something that is more ‘earthy’.. within your reach.. if dreams give purpose and direction to otherwise mundane existence, why are they doomed to fail? Even the modest dreams fail like the grand ones.. from now on you’ll carry a stately bearing, determined that for the rest of your life you’ll keep everything down and quiet inside you so that neither of these stangers can sense your anguish. Casting aside your pusillanimity, you are eager to embrace the next moving creature though you wont let them 'inside' you, deep inside where everything you say has another side to it .. (like you expect, hidden somewhere is a secret, a philosopher’s stone masquerading as a precious elixir disguised as a dimwit.)

All isn’t lost .. loneliness is no longer new and bitterness is the fashionable mood .. you don’t ‘feel’ young and the ones around you can acknowledge that the rest of you is rapidly aging too. You still hope to find someone someday.. you sit there waiting, watching the fog grow thicker. In the trees along the trail, a vision you’d both praying and dreading comes. Somewhere there’s a blank inside, a blotting out, an ablation, though of what I can’t commence to speculate .. can’t even know if I’m making sense with this qualm or whimsically compiling my ignorance. One night when worse pain will set in, you’ll pretend to ‘settle’ with someone your so-called well-wishers had arranged for .. sooner or later you accept its good for you.. and why not? You’ll be together a pair of blanks. If you want to know the truth, it sucks. Plunge in pour forth. Together you’ll formulate a grand hypothesis explaining each other how emotional stimulation between two people initiate a cascade of signals that collectively may result in the bond known as love. You’ll stick around ..and you’ll keep telling each other that you are in love for both know that neither of you had nowhere else to go. ..

28 comments:

Nash February 8, 2008 at 12:51 PM  

Hi Aria! Long time ! How are you doing? Very happy to see a post from you! You are terrifyingly accurate and I can relate word by word. No surprises there! Can you be a little regular?

p-s - If you are still distributing email ids I'm also in the queue. :-)

vi February 8, 2008 at 6:25 PM  

:)

hotICE February 8, 2008 at 7:28 PM  

you know what??? we need to talk... perhaps over a cup of coffee and a pack of Davidoff's finest.... You literelly scream out my thoughts!

Inconsequential February 9, 2008 at 12:03 AM  

Marvellous.
One thing you are not is a failed writer. You might not make money at it, but a failure you are not.

I'd make some trite offer to chat with you and try and help you in this apparent dark time, but alas I'm too emotionally retarded or maybe have Aspergers...

Still, I think you do good wording.
A great read, and as a social loner/outcast - ie failed? misfunctioning? ... Well, I kinda relate to what you wrote, a chord was struck, and as such a slight weight lifted with the realisation that I'm not the only lonely freak in the world...Hell, at one point a slight curve flickered across my flatline lips...

btw, thanks for the comments, nice to know I get read now and then.

aria February 9, 2008 at 1:08 AM  

Nash.. you were missing too :) thank you, as always for appreciating. I cant really promise to be regular :( I have terrible mood swings and sometimes I don't even feel like reading other blogs ..of late its getting worse .. wonder why .. *sigh*

Vi .. only a smile? but your smile is so pretty .. isliye bahot bahot thanks ..

Hotice .. I'm ready.. tell me your place or mine? :D thanks for reading .. I was sure I'll see you again after at least a couple of years..

Inconsequential .. Thanks a heap. I relate with emotionally retarded ones as I am one too.. so you know :) I've this habit of vanishing so I read your posts in bunch coz I don't want to miss anything ..

nidhi February 9, 2008 at 2:43 AM  

This post was as if I was looking at a scan of your mind and heart

I don't see you a failure: you are a treasure :)

I hope this loneliness passes and also you come across the person you want to be with, not someone the so-called 'well-wishers' bring to your doorstep.

I don't see you as an emotionally retarded person, in fact, you brim with beautiful emotions; may be a social recluse but that is not a bad thing :)

Be fine Aria :)

cheers
p.s. Thanks for the visit and beautiful comment..I cherish it!

Kalyan February 9, 2008 at 7:27 AM  

Experience teaches us so many new things everyday & we learn a lot from them...I agree with your thoughts...very nicely written facts of our daily lives. We have to simply live with them!

hotICE February 9, 2008 at 8:55 PM  

ur place or mine? hmmm... well, lemme see... my place would require a Schengen visa and an air ticket... your place would mean just an air ticket... well, I should be coming to Delhi in april... so I guess your place must be fine :P

hotICE February 9, 2008 at 9:00 PM  

and btw... I keep forgetting, YOU ARE NOT A FAILED WRITER!

aria February 10, 2008 at 6:08 AM  

Nidhi .. Thanks so much! :) that warmed my heart on a chilly evening ..

Kalyan .. thanks .. :)

Hotice .. anytime! You are most welcome. I am way too lazy anyway .. would have preferred my place. and thanks @ "YOU ARE NOT A FAILED WRITER!"
though you keep forgetting that ;)

The Hermit of Wandering Thoughts February 10, 2008 at 11:50 AM  

am too sober to face all these hardhitting truths today Aria..

what you say here is scary...

Is this as good as its going to get...

I hope not... my cynicism isn't that fueled or maybe like everytime I'm just conning myself to believe that...

Hang in there.. don't hang out..

Here's to you and another one for the road..
cheers
Z

Ashen Glow February 10, 2008 at 8:31 PM  
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ashen Glow February 10, 2008 at 8:39 PM  

Truth for me is a place with a light so blinding that i only wish there could be a window I could close and possibly save my self from burning in the simmering heat of reality.

The best part about listening to oneself, aria, is that you tell yourself all that youd never wish to hear from someone else. And you are a treasure because you have the courage to listen to yourself.

Hold on aria... trust me on that... Hold on...

p.s: As for terrible mood swings.. well.. you have company.. let's sigh together now... SIGH!!!

Casperbaba February 11, 2008 at 4:27 AM  

Now that you have penned down your thoughts, I would request you 2 go through each and every line, line after line. Each line that you have written is an entity itself. You write about life and about how a person feels like a complete looser, how he craves for "some one special" how than he goes about his everyday work aimlessly flirting with self destruction. It’s like ur sounding a panic alarm where you have pressed facts and realities upon your rational mind.
The title I found was quiet apt...
"Seven kinds of nonsense", I am not here to praise you... i m going to be blatantly honest and articulate about your work... I can see me in you about a year ago... same random questions. You need to derive a meaning from your own skills, that’s when the "peace" that you’re looking for would be found within you. I am not trying to be preachy here but I would tell you few things which were told to me by others but carries alot of meaning in my life. "Instead of shooting a zillion arrows aimlessly, use few but try hitting the bull's eye" and also stop digging for gold beneath the ground its right there on the surface you just need to look for it at the right place. Well frankly I feel you’re just another person who might or might not have suffered a heart break. I am just assuming. Well honestly I am no one to say this but its time to carry on…. I see humongous potential in you. You are cut out to write!! But write with rationale coz sentiments might fetch you peoples attention but they wouldn’t let you win “peace”. Somehow I have this feeling that you and me are out to get the same thing but on our own ways…. I m just a little ahead! SO CATCH UP!!!  A sad joke to end my gyan session!!! 

Casperbaba February 11, 2008 at 4:31 AM  
This comment has been removed by the author.
Atrakasya February 12, 2008 at 8:22 PM  

nice and honest blog.
I highly recommend this book for you - "A General Theory of Love" by Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, and Richard Lannon

asuph February 12, 2008 at 10:04 PM  

aria,

those who've been following your poems would have a sense of deja-vu here. you've said all this and more before, only not articulated it in words. that itself is supposedly therapeutic -- but then again that's assuming that one kind of existence, one kind of meaning, one kind of emotional state, is better than other.

in the end, success and failure is just a judgment based on arbitrary metrics. what matter is what metrics seem reasonable to you.

there is lot here that each and everyone who's ever lived and thought about living will identify with. i just hope this articulation helps you to find your own meaning, that's a little less dark, little less morose. it's possible.

till then, take care.
asuph

Equivocationalist February 13, 2008 at 6:22 PM  

Aria, such pretty words, I had to read them aloud. I would echo the sentiments of those here present - you are a rara avis, and should not trouble yourself with thoughts of failure. You bring light into our lives, at least, and, I imagine, those of countless others.

cheti February 15, 2008 at 8:19 PM  

"for both know that neither of you had nowhere else to go. .."

i hope you keep writing about your failures ! Its so good to read them !
Okay that sounded pretty cruel - but you write well and write true things !

aria February 16, 2008 at 12:31 PM  

Zofo .. Nice to see you and thanks as always, for those words. :)

Ashen .. I loved the first line of your comment Thank you *sigh sigh * :)

Casper .. thank you is all I can say.. for taking pains to scribble those words for me, much appreciated! Thanks!

Atra.. I’ll look for that book.. have to take your word that it should be a great read. Thanks :)

Asuph .. I often feel you are amongst the very few who understand the so-called emotions (or turmoils) behind my poetriecs .. which in itself means much to me.. and thank you for everything .. :)

Equivocationalist .. I’m still hoping you gonna start posting again. thanks for visiting me and your lovely comment ..

Cheti .. naah .. it wasn’t cruel . .coz I know what you meant! Thank you :)

The Hermit of Wandering Thoughts February 16, 2008 at 3:04 PM  

http://thefuckitway.com/

shooting star February 17, 2008 at 7:04 AM  

perverse pleasure in pain..i know that too well...
settle with someone ....at the end of the day most of us do.....and continue to be as lonely as before....i for my part have no illusions that such arrangement has brought me love....it has brought me lots of comfort and problems though...but well....it's like choosing between the devil and deep sea.....so i chose the devil...but even the deep sea of pain would have been as bad...now that i think!!.....

Nash February 24, 2008 at 4:43 AM  

"write something, will you?
squelching jokes,
tedious anecdotes
anything would do .."

:-)

therapy February 26, 2008 at 10:03 PM  

You should write more often.

aria February 27, 2008 at 1:30 AM  

Shooting star - Thanks for your comment - it made me ponder .. I do hope things get better for you .. please take care ..

Nash.. Its a tag!

Therapy.. Welcome to my blog! Great to see you here. Thanks .. I'll try :)

Alok March 2, 2008 at 1:39 AM  

everyone said everything I had to say :)

Alok

New Buddha April 2, 2008 at 5:57 AM  

Who is to decide what is a failure and what is success? Why allow ourselves to be governed by definition chosen by others? Make your own definitions. Define your own world. Make your own choices, my dear. Be free. This is my body. This is my soul. The perceptions are mine. The feelings are mine. The thoughts are mine. Why depend upon others for my success? Or for my failures, for that matter?

Kunjubi April 9, 2008 at 9:48 AM  

"The fact remains that our most potent and necessary dreams can derive from simple misunderstanding
.....There is a perverse pleasure in pain, in suffering and even in humiliation. The need to make a romance out of ugly reality is a basic human craving and also the accompanying need to disguise whatever form of truth is scattered about us.looking very closely at your face, if anyone bothers that is, one can see also how much the effort is costing you. you lack the ability to sort things out upon reflection afterwards ergo you make same mistakes all over again." These are your words."Confessions of a writer"' I shd rename it..Wonderful exposure! I can tell you. And candid too. So many vicissitudes! It is heart rending, prompting to melancholic nostalgia. You are class Aria.I am unable to express what i feel about this. Cheer up. kunjubi

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