frayed flame

>> Friday, July 27, 2007

I’ve studied your love
as a diagnosis
and prescription-
watched it cascade
and break
in crested waves.

This raw concoction
fits more snugly
in the current tincture
of my moral spectrum.

Having been through
the most memorable

banal smut once,
I’m in that mood

which tempts to sin,
even the best of us.

I won’t be a prisoner
though I accept your offer
and from these bundles
of negations I’ll fashion
a love that’ll temporise
the fresh dissolution.

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Random Re-encounters

>> Thursday, July 19, 2007

By Punds orders, I’m posting another tag of 8 random things about me. It perhaps is a shortened version of 20 random things tag, which was making rounds, long ago. I’d called it Pandora's box then, but since then I’ve mellowed down miraculously. I need not warn anyone as there isn’t anything evil or sinful in these ‘facts’ which I sometimes wonder were fiction.

1) I was a darn naughty kid and kept my mother perpetually on her toes. Till class 4th or 5th I’d to be dragged for school and was famous even there for my notoriety. I could thrash any girl or boys double my size. Ma was summoned regularly by my teachers and principals to discuss a list of complaints. As my parents worked in different locations and that part of life were spent with Ma, we saw Pa only during vacations, poor mother could only convey my misdemeanors to him over the telephone or in letters wherein she consistently referred to me as a "problem child." Its funny that things that appeared so serious then, are now amusing, for both of us.

2) The best part about going to school was running away. I can write a book on ‘how to run away from school’. The best memories are from where I’d passed senior secondary.
On one such adventure, four of us, (three other girls, besides yours truly) had planned to watch a movie at Connaught place (strategically located, close by). We discovered that one gate was unattended, apparently, the gatekeeper was taking a pee break (or tea break). Our mantra was walk casually, confidently to avoid getting noticed. As soon as we stepped out, we heard someone hollering "hey hey hey .." we turned back and saw the watchman sprinting in our direction. He couldn’t have caught me even in his dreams, I was a pretty fast runner. I fled along with another girl. However, the two slow runners were caught and presented to the principal. Despite persistent interrogation, they refused to reveal the names of other miscreants (that’s called comradeship).

3) The then fast runner now needs painkillers to walk. I’ve screwed my health to that extent, which continues to fail. Probably, I’m still capable of keeping people on their toes with my mind-games. At least that is what my ex used to say. I’ve vowed not to mention him again ergo I’ll quote ‘somebody’ who had commented. "I fuck his brains out". In a way, its quite nice coz I'll rather fuck some brains than anything else .. as I’m sure I’ve turned frigid.

4) I refurnished my room, last month. I disposed my double bed and got a new single bed. I’m confident of sleeping alone(without a human company, of course) all my life so its one positive step, in that direction. The only problem is, Don(my German Shepherd) considers my bed as his own. He occupies a huge corner and I’ve to squeeze myself in another. Sometimes I find him sleeping soundly with his head on my pillow, and then I just sit on a chair, facing him and keep on looking, blissfully. I’m bewitched.

5) I’ve two pimples on my right cheek & another one on my forehead. I never had pimples as teenager and was so proud of my blemish-free skin. I tried almost everything and nothing worked. A couple of days back, I landed in a Shahnaz Husain store and hurray.. when I returned home I realized, I’d spent almost 10 thousand bucks for three pimples! Man she is expensive .. and for three pimples she makes you buy three hundred different stuff ..

6) I tried doing many things but I’ve this bad habit of abandoning them, halfway. I learned .. Kathak – 2 years, Guitar – 2 years, German – 1 year, French – 8 months, Persian – 6 months and it is all wiped away immaculately from my memory. It would be redundant to say, I can’t differentiate between Kathak and Kathakali, Hawaiian from Spanish (leave aside playing a single chord), German, French and Persian all sound, Greek. I regret not pursuing them, seriously as I’m too old to start it all over again and then I’ve this uncanny feeling I wont live long, the priority now is just one book that I hope to get published. At least one .. that’s my solitary dream.

8) My solitude is complete. I got rid of my so-called friends, well-wishers and this and that. I don't go anywhere and my cell phone seldom rings. To achieve this, I'd to get my seven year old number changed, which was divulged to no one. I don't wish to talk to any of them & I'm convinced the feeling is mutual. Its better this way and I’m enjoying my wonderful privacy. I hate bumping onto former acquaintances and greeting them all with the same lie "you haven’t changed" when both parties know the truth at least once for a ‘change.’ I like spending my evenings, with booze, shades down, dim lights and ghazals, all by myself. I’m in love with the voice of Munni Begum. Though anything and everything can make me cry, she is the best company for tears.


There was no need to write these Eight random things. One word describes me perfectly – "loser’ :D

The tag requires to be passed but no one cares for my effing tags. This would be the first time, I’m not tagging anyone.. I completed it sooner than the previous tags (if that's some consolation) ..I hope I’m forgiven.

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Waterspout

>> Saturday, July 14, 2007

i)

If..
I had stopped you then..


The driving torrent, last night
that plummeted the awning,
like hailstorms -
could pause over me, like mist
and I would trust their shelter


I could float in thunderclap
with the leisure of a dream
hearing it, in all variations
as if they were leitmotif
from a symphony,
cosmic yet intimate


In the persistent murmur
of water, however
I only heard
your fine concluding high note
that had been sent afloat
to fade.


And then,
An enormous bolt,
lit up the sky
It became for an instant
sunset or sunrise?



ii)

If..
I let you go now...


I can see all hurt years
washed clean
the life I’d thought
forever closed, spreading out
its pictorial vista, with sheen.


I can look up
at countless raindrops
sense a touch of piety
as they fall over me
in their midnight gaiety


I can explore
an infinite space
amid myriad of galaxies
between two eternities -
one caught and held
yet already past
and the other,
still to come?


Or perhaps,
nothing is past
what was, will be
is waxing unbearably
and it is all -
one vast scroll.

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au revoir

>> Monday, July 9, 2007

It is all a puzzle -
falling in love
sensual bloom
alienation evolved
the years that passed
sans intimacies
and the present finale –
when silence seems obtuse
speech derisive
verbal good-byes linger
obscurely concluded
and the muted adieu leads
to shallow pool of speculation.

We can neither drift afar
from words already spoken
nor plunge deep through
into this silence forsaken -
but we can get domesticated
with the horror of our ghosts
accept its perpetual presence
and that will be the beginning
of a premature ending
after which there will be -
No going back.

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