The final confusion...

>> Saturday, March 24, 2007

All endearments, the whole game
and procedure of love has passed
but I can not fall asleep.
Those feelings ashamed, lost, spent
have stepped back into that hiding place
where emotions can stay for years -
without any sound.

Reposed, on this consecrated ground
awaiting, the final confusion
and everything around me,
each grain of sand, each pebble
still breathing, glowing, lusting
I’m no longer matter, yet not spirit,
this slanting pillar of dust,
was once my body, which vibrated
and reflected rainbow hues.

The life I led, or longed to live
could not all have been a fantasy
Eerie, incomprehensible, ridiculous,
the visitation was nonetheless real
containing details and odd incidents
that only life itself could device.

Its waves and bubbles dancing in universal cauldron
seething with change
following the unbroken chain of causes and effects
And you my dear,
with your unavoidable fate, are a part of this -
the shadow of the same albatross,
just a different part.

When you are free at last, to enter with abandon
the land of mourning and shadows and memory
Take a bow
For I already am there, without you
In what we'd both tried to make together
for us, and for each other –
A better world…

57 comments:

parikrama March 24, 2007 at 7:59 PM  

Read the poem 3 times to understand it, in its totality. Your words are filled with dignified sadness. The right way to appreciate this poem would be to remain silent & reflect.

p.s : R.I.P.

AakASH!!! March 25, 2007 at 3:21 AM  

This is like the words floating out of the mist in a clouded sky. The soft warm rays of the sun that paint the grey fog a pale yellow. I read your words, and drift with them and when i reach 'A better world...' all that is real seems afar.

Bravo!

miss magic March 25, 2007 at 3:37 AM  

"I'm no longer matter, yet not spirit", words to chew on.
this is a really powerful poem. keep on writing!

Shaista March 25, 2007 at 8:09 AM  

how many light years away is this land where there is no more pain but just memories?
I dream abt it... even felt like being there sometimes but never really look like reaching it... but ppl keep saying its a straight road, albeit lonely, and i cant get lost!
I have started doubting it seriously!

Full2 Faltu March 25, 2007 at 9:29 AM  

Nice new home Aria

Nice new template too. Looks good! I mean really good.

As always, I did not get the poem. Apun ka khopdi itna dimaag wala nahi!

So will not comment on it. But hope to see you more here and there!

-Punds

aria March 25, 2007 at 5:09 PM  

IW .. you read it 3 times .. whoa.. thanks :) and lol @ R.I.P.. If I'm 'at peace'.. thats going to be a bigger disaster. How about a hug? ;)

Aakash.. Those beautiful words make me crave for more. Thanks :) You really should update your blog.

Miss Magic .. *gratitudes* :)

Shaista .. You've a lovely name. Welcome to my blog. Your comment has put me into an even more somber mood. I want to scribble some comforting lines but I'm utterly speechless. Please take care..

Punds .. :D @ "As always..."
You are kind .. despite all this .. you sometimes check on me .. that was sweet. :)
Glad you liked my new home. Thank you!

Nadim March 25, 2007 at 9:48 PM  

shaista is a beautiful name! but the comment was mine! shais is my friend. my best friend! I signed in to do some html wrk for her blog template and didnt see it when i posted tht comment.
its all peace in her world. i always wonder how its possible but she insists she is at peace. she says wateva happens cannot bother her anymore. now i dont want to tell u abt her n make u more sombre! i already feel guilty for spoiling ur mood with my prev comment.

asuph March 25, 2007 at 11:29 PM  

Aria,

I like what you're doing with your writing these days. This one is really impressive. You surely have a way with the words:

where emotions can stay for years -
without any sound


quite a profound poem!

(and back to old bad habits of fault-finding: "or rather wished to lead" is too prosey... ask me, i've been doing that for years, and it's a habit better not picked...)

cheers,
asuph

parikrama March 26, 2007 at 2:04 AM  

Request granted. Awaiting more such requests ;-)

cheti March 26, 2007 at 8:48 AM  

Aria !

These are haunting words ! Meloncholy dripping all over ! I makes me read again again !! very very sublime aria ! you keep getting better !

Procedure of love indeed ! As if a doctor is describing a operation !

cheti March 26, 2007 at 8:58 AM  

Where do you dig out these Blog names ? your vocab is really really good - unless ofcourse you are a geologist !

aria March 26, 2007 at 10:35 AM  

Nadim.. I’m relieved to know that that comment was yours. Those words were tinged with so much grief that coming from an anonymous shaista, it had a strange kind of effect on me. And no .. you did not spoil my mood, not at all! I did not say ‘somber’ in a negative way. I revel in melancholia .. it gives me a strange high but that doesn’t mean I love misery or like to see others in misery. I hope you understand . .what I mean .. and please feel free to say whatever you want .. coz I do the same . :) I hope everything gets better in your best friend’s world .. and yours too :) Actually .. I should be sorry .. if in any way .. you felt .. there was something wrong with my mood...

aria March 26, 2007 at 10:37 AM  

Asuph.. I thought over that line .. and have edited it to .. “life I led or longed to live” guess it sounds better now .. you are right .. it was sheer carelessness stemming from that “prose habit” I was more interested in knowing .. if this time .. it retained the same effect ..throughout .. coz as you said and I felt that too .. most of my poems .. tend to lose that punch toward the end. This is the first time .. that I was relatively pleased with a poetry of mine. So you know . . .. sigh . .I’ve learned so much from you .. that thank yous don’t seem enough .. but thanks .. :)

aria March 26, 2007 at 10:39 AM  

IW .. I have many requests .. :D but aap akele mein milne se darte ho .. ;) ab bhoot bungle ke peeche bhi nahi aate .. what can I do??seriously .. all my requests and steamy ideas are getting wasted .. yahaan nahi bataa sakti na .. try to understand .. sabke saamne sharam aati hai .. lol..

aria March 26, 2007 at 10:45 AM  

Cheti .. Thanks .. :D after my last effort which you did not like .. I was looking forward to your response .. yes .. I’m making a serious effort to improve and so I thought .. it’s high time I graduated from a juvenile blog name like .. “tryst with sins” and all the rest .. hehe …
On the contrary .. my vocab is quite poor .. but I’m addicted to unique words .. if I’m reading something (and I read a lot) and stumble on a nice word.. I tend to look it up and somehow remember them.. when I’m writing .. that is all .. I’m not a geologist .. I’m a historian .. ok . .that’s again a big word .. rather.. I studied history . .probably that explains .. my obsession with the past :)

PS .. Gosh .. I had so much to talk!!! *Phew* that's why I decided to post separate comments. Thanks again .. everyone .. for your time .. :)

Deepthi March 26, 2007 at 8:23 PM  

this is what u called expression!!that is all i will say...captivating,assuring and yet so far away from the world....good work

asuph March 27, 2007 at 9:41 AM  

hey aria,

my bad... i just criticise, and fail to tell what worked. seriously bad!

yup this one didn't have that problem. quite the oppostie.

and you're most welcome, but frankly I'm the last person you want to learn anything from, especially wrt to poetry. you're really a much better poet that you think. all i've pointed out is couple of things here and there that anyone could've picked. it's just that we tend to read what we've written just as we think it should read, so it's difficult to spot trouble-points in our own writing. with others, it's a piece of cake.

keep writing,
asuph

vi March 27, 2007 at 5:14 PM  

Bahut khub! Nice...
Hon, ever thought about compiling all this and sending it to a publisher?


vi
P.S. Nice blog template...wow!

aria March 28, 2007 at 10:02 AM  

Hi Deepthi .. Thank you :D

Asuph .. I know you don’t criticize, only for the sake of criticizing. Ok.. I won’t put any extra pressure on you and learn whatever I have to .. “silently” :)

Thanks Vi .. arrey nahi.. publish karne layak nahi hai yahaan kuch .. but I want my first book to be a novel . .pata nahi sapna kabhi sachi hoga ya nahi .. sigh ..

PS - Sometimes.. I'm not able to post comments on my own blog .. lol
This really sucks ...

asuph March 28, 2007 at 7:50 PM  

aria,

criticism is incomplete if it just finds faults. so in that sense that was bad.

and hey, seriously seriously, you're overestimating my writing calibre. i'm not being modest, that's one bad habit i don't have. if, tomorrow, i write something that makes me feel i'm worth all this "silent" admiration, i'll brag about it. trust me, i will.

cheers,
asuph.

parikrama March 29, 2007 at 12:55 AM  

>> ab bhoot bungle ke peeche bhi nahi aate ..

Sorry to keep you waiting Aria, I am currently mourning the exit of Indian team from the WCup. Would start re-visiting & re-stoking the fires, only after India defeats Bangladesh black n blue in the one-day series starting on May 10.

Tabhi tak meri yaadon ke sahaare jee lo :-(

aria March 29, 2007 at 6:08 PM  

Asuph.. I think I'm making you uncomfortable . .so I'll shut-up :)

IW .. you disappoint me .. grr . .I don't want my already dismal fate to hang with that pathetic team. Therefore, I rest my case here. PS - Time and women wait for none!

parikrama March 30, 2007 at 2:15 AM  

Aria,

Grrrr back to you. You dissapoint me too! My love (for a person or otherwise) is unconditional. How can i desert a team (that too a team comprising of SRT) when it needs me the most ?

I thought you loved Sachin as much as I did. But your love was fickle. 2 defeats and your love has dried up. Now you are ready to disown the team.

If you can so easily fall out of love with SRT and his team.. What chance do i stand ? Tommorow if i fail at something, you would disown me aswell.. **gulp**

Now the truth is out. The real Aria has surfaced and I am afraid this isn't the same person whom I so feverishly worshipped. I am thankful to the Indian Cricket team for opening my eyes to the real you. So long, stranger.

aria March 30, 2007 at 6:56 AM  

Grrrr IW .. don't get me started on Sachin. Never question my Sachin-Love .. that's a warning. Everyone who knows me knows .. how sensitive I am on this topic & wild too. I can't be forced to love the entire pack of jokers who inhabit the team which quite simply never deserved Sachin. I'm disillusioned with cricket for the time-being & don't want to discuss this. I never "loved" the entire team esp that Rahul Dravid irritates me, big time. Why am I even explaining all this .. ? I DONT DONT dont want to talk about cricket & I don't need to prove my devotion for Sachin to you or to anyone, period.

I can very well say .. what if that team keeps sinking? You won't give attention to me then? I want unconditional love too .. huh! I'm sorry .. you don't know the "real" Aria and it looks like .. you won't ever know her either. I hope you find your "real love" and all that wherever. All the best!

PS- My last message was in jest .. when I talked about dismal fate and the rest .. but I'm really pissed now.

parikrama March 30, 2007 at 7:42 PM  

Not only my last message was in jest, but each n every comment of mine is always said in jest. The fact that you got angry, means that you too don't know the real me.

Knowing the "real" person beneath an online persona is potentially a dangerous & unpredictable game. We better not tread on that trecherous path.

Your fierce defense of SRT gladdened my heart. I was banking on this kind of response and I had chosen my bait with utmost precision (after a bit of research). You should hand it to me that,atleast, I know this (SRT worship)part of your persona quite well. And i don't need to know anything else. Mutual unconditional love for SRT is good enough foundation for me to start a friendship with another person. I am glad that we fought.. or rather you fought (i was merely baiting), now I know we atleast have one common passion.

Hope you are little less pissed off now. Have a relaxing weekend.

"Mein bhul jaau tumhe, Ab yehi munasib hein..
Magar bhulaana bhi chaahu toh, Kis tarah bhulu.. ?
Ke, tum toh phir bhi hakikat hoh koi khwaab nahi.."

aria March 30, 2007 at 8:50 PM  

IW .. I'm sorry .. please accept my apologies .. I got carried away .. sigh .. I'm feeling really stupid .. :|
You have a great weekend too.
lets shake hands and return to the previous status .. I'm prepared to wait for that Bangladesh series to be over .. :(

parikrama March 30, 2007 at 11:52 PM  

Apologies rejected outright. Your hazaaar gunaah's are maaf for loving SRT :))

I didn't take any of your word to my heart. I totally understand you being pissed off over the cricketing reference. Anybody who's following the fortunes of Indian cricket team, has right to be pissed off (over the recent debacle). Okay thats the last you heard the "C" word uttered by me.

Cheer up & keep the faith.

aria March 31, 2007 at 12:31 AM  

"Usss" maamle mein faith nahi hai ..
rather ..I've a fresh new faith for us .. ;) will you really make me wait till a cricket series to get over .. and then evoke that love-flame which we were so close to igniting .. in it's full glory.. ?

parikrama March 31, 2007 at 12:53 AM  

Badey buzurg kehke gaye hein :

"Aag Ka Kyaa Hein, Pal Doh Pal Mein Lagti Hein..
Bujhte Bujhte, Ek Zamaana Lagtaa Hein.."

Okay, I am revoking the time frame. Let the ignition happen spontaneously. Do keep a fire extinguisher handy, just in case the flame spreads out into a full blown fire ;-)

aria March 31, 2007 at 1:14 AM  

No extinguisher is required .. jab aag lag hi jaayegi toh fir bujhegi nahi .. at least not on my end .. yahi buraai hai mujhme .. so tread carefully .. :D
and thanks for revoking the time-frame .. you saved two lives .. lol

PS - Woh gaana suna hai Rocky ka .. "kya yahi pyaar hai' ? I'm listening to that right now .. ahem ..

parikrama March 31, 2007 at 10:39 PM  

Gaana suna toh hein, magar ab pehli baar gaane mein chuupi feelings ko mehsoos bhi kar rahaa hu.. :)

Btw, I am listening to "Golmaal Hein Bhai Sab Golmaal Hein.." Errrr, the song playlist got all mixed up,i guess. The song doesn't reflect the emotions i am feeling right now ;-)

aria March 31, 2007 at 11:43 PM  

ROTFL .. @ the song!
I should be gussa.. but that cracked me up. Grr .. ok .. let me sink in that mood again with a pout. We aren't palying your playlist .. we'll play mine ..and yes .. what did you do on saturday night? And I'm tempted to ask . .which song reflects your feelings .. right now ? Too many questions .. sigh .. you don't need to answer .. if you can only say .. you missed me .. loads ;)

parikrama April 1, 2007 at 6:40 PM  

A better part of saturday was spent in vaccuming, scrubbing & mopping the entire house. I dearly missed you while doing those back breaking chores. Yeah, I missed you loads :))

aria April 1, 2007 at 9:10 PM  

:( mera achcha khaasa mood kharaab ho gaya .. that too on a monday morning .. you are sooo unromantic .. I wanted to tell you "when" and how I missed you .. but now I wont :|

parikrama April 2, 2007 at 3:25 AM  

Infact I am more romantic ,coz, I was thinking about you even during the most mundane & boring tasks ;-)

I can't reveal "when else" & in "what other ways" I missed you. That juicy bit of info is for "your eyes" only. I can't make it public here. Deewaron ke bhi kaan hotey hein.. yeh toh phir bhi public blog hein!

Full2 Faltu April 2, 2007 at 4:58 AM  

Parikrama/Aria

You too are so, so ..... I cannot find a word.

So shamelessly flirting!

I came back to read the comments and i see 35 comments. I though many more people understood the poem and I was feeling so low. But yeh theek hai. lage raho!

aria April 2, 2007 at 7:21 PM  

IW.. plz think about me while cooking too :D (hope you are a good cook!) and yes you are right @ kaan .. that's why I won't tell you "woh sab" either.. woh sab akele mein .. ;)

Punds .. my poems (crap) only Asuph, Cheti, Vi and one or two occasional vistors understand .. par yeh waali poem toh IW ji bhi samajh gaye they .. humphhhh ..ok I counted .. apart from me 9 people commented .. and excpet you they all understood .. :D
as for flirting . .well . .ab kya kahien .. hum flirt kahaan kar rahe hain . .we are dead serious .. *sigh*

Full2 Faltu April 2, 2007 at 11:09 PM  

Don't worry about me Aria. I was the one who did not get why Jack wore a crown? Was he a king or something?

Now compared to Jack and Jill this is serious stuff. It requires a little bit of effort and then I am lazy to do that.

So keep writing. There may be many silent readers who will understand

-Punds

aria April 2, 2007 at 11:48 PM  

Quite frankly .. I don't write for "readers" to understand .. :) Readers/critics - silent or otherwise are more than welcome to give their opinion but I write coz thats the only thing that gives me pleasure. :) But anyways .. thanks .. sure I'll keep writing even if .. I don't understand myself.

asuph April 3, 2007 at 8:54 AM  

whoa aria! you stole my line. the last one: i'll keep writing even if i don't understand myself.

not fair!!!!

-asuph

Inkblot April 3, 2007 at 8:46 PM  

oh oh...this just fab- the eye in a swirl of blueing hue and real poetry!

Meera April 3, 2007 at 10:09 PM  

Hi Aria,

Your writing style has an ethereal quality...
The undelying 'pain' is very tangible...You are definitely worthy of being published...you should give it a go...
All of your experiences, however painful they may be, can be turned into 'positives', if you consciously wish to...else it's very difficult to get out of the suffering 'rut'... Pain in life is inevitable, but, suffering is optional!
Will pray for you:-)
Meanwhile, keep those creative ideas flowing....

M.

aria April 4, 2007 at 5:14 AM  

Asuph .. :D I would rather steal your poetry esp the one titled "in search of rainbows"

Ink .. Thank you. I was counting on you to understand too :)

Meera .. thanks for your words .. I don't remember anyone saying this before that they would pray for me.. That was touching! Thanks again for the appreciation.

asuph April 5, 2007 at 8:54 AM  

are we starting a mutual admiration society? i tell u, i've an exlusive MAS with ano. i'll have to check the terms and conditions there.

Merryweather April 6, 2007 at 12:37 PM  

Hi, read a few of your former posts today. You're a great writer! & I'm a fan :)
As for the poem, it seems to have a relatively distinct flow; which is- as parikrama said, dignified- strangely though, I'd add :)Liked "I'm no longer matter.." best.
Keep going =)

p.s: Some times, you give me a feeling that there's a halo on your head which you can't see... =)

The Hermit of Wandering Thoughts April 15, 2007 at 4:57 AM  

alone in the super unknown... know that desolate place myself ...
a bleeding pity that one is alone in such a place the only consolation is that your solitude survives unimpared...

very nice as always, aria..
cheers
z

AakASH!!! April 15, 2007 at 9:54 PM  

Dont tell me with summers, you melt away.

Where are you?

dinkan May 10, 2007 at 4:08 AM  

good writing...good style too

dinkan May 10, 2007 at 4:09 AM  

good writing...good use of words ..keep it up

AakASH!!! May 17, 2007 at 4:35 AM  

Shifted blogs, have you?

parikrama May 21, 2007 at 6:28 PM  

S.O.S

AakASH!!! May 29, 2007 at 10:00 PM  

Still not posting?

aria May 29, 2007 at 10:13 PM  

Thank you for your comments and concern .. all of you :) Apologies for this long absence ..

Aakash .. nopes .. I'm not posting anywhere else .. was away/not well .. will try to post something soon :)
Hope you been well ..

Alok August 18, 2007 at 3:12 AM  

Aria, u have simply managed to kill me with this ....

Wht a sat eve with a cup of black coffee and ur writings ...

I am not averse to dark, for it always gives me a new meaning for light each time ...

I am in no way contesting tht the post is dark for it is not, and i hope u dont get me wrong

I get a sense of abandoning recluse, which is wht makes this piece memorable for me ..

and when u write "this slanting pillar of dust,
was once my body,- well i can't help but simply adore u ....

btw can i suggest something, just one thing ..... "shadows and memory" in the last stophe, can it be read as "shadows of memory ... just a thought

tc

alok

Kunjubi March 27, 2008 at 7:38 AM  

"hiding place
where emotions can stay for years -
without any sound." A dirge! an elegy! I am moved.. I cry..So stricken with grief. I am sitting in that graveyard. looking at the mound of earth, where she lays buried.You are painting with words.
aria I just happened to go thru yr archives and found this.. though an year old. Phantrasmagoric! Words are numb to explain. kunjubi

Kunjubi April 5, 2008 at 7:01 AM  

Though this is the 56th comment i dare to write something, because I joined the rank only very recently .When you are free at last, to enter with abandon
the land of mourning and shadows and memory
Take a bow"
... I will be there before you, with a red carpet on my shoulder. You will be safe. and there will be no room for paroxysm. Excellant,exemplary coinage of words. Par excellence. CONGRATS cheers. kunjubi.

Perry Strange April 23, 2009 at 11:43 AM  

bah-- you've been gone so long, I'm reading your archives. Which may be the single positive aspect, because this is FAN-tastic. That last stanza--yes and yes!

... hide through the summer if you like, but be back here by Fall. I'll have run out by then...

*grins*

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